How many times do I have to mourn the fact that I'm very, very likely not going to have a biological child? This post is not really a "poor me, I'm stimming badly yet again" one. Yea, that's not really ground-breaking news, unfortunately. It's more frustration that I accepted the idea of donor eggs several times already yet I keep getting pulled back on to the hope train only to be shoved off, into a ditch. It's so exhausting to keep accepting something that is so hard to accept in the first place and then having to keep doing it time and time again.
During stimming for IVF#1, when I saw how poorly I was responding, even with all the meds big guns, I finally accepted the fact - after 2 years, 4 IUIs, 1 miscarriage (at the time), 1 IVF with barely any response -- that it probably was not going to happen for me and started embracing the idea of donor eggs. You can read about how I accepted it and NoodleGuy was great about it here. Then after that cycle's BFN, I got pregnant naturally. While that short-lived pregnancy was thrilling, it was again another notch on my your-eggs-are-crap mantle (I think I mixed metaphors there, but you get my point). I went it to my STBY appointment with my RE after the D&E completely sure that I was going to tell him that I'm done with my eggs and ready to move on to DE. He convinced me that, since I had good insurance and it wouldn't cost much money, there was enough hope that I should try a few more IVF cycles with my own eggs. I'm terrified of my eggs, even if I do get pregnant, so it took some convincing but agreed - partially because we would want to use our tax refund in the spring to fund a big chunk of DE, so I figured I may as well fill my waiting time bathing myself in tsunami doses of gonadotropins.
Well, since then it's been one cancelled IVF due to misbehaving eggs and now this crap response again. I'm getting so beat down with constantly gearing myself up for hope and then getting smacked in the face. The sad fact: I have barely any eggs left and what is there seems to be total crap. Maybe, maybe there are one or two healthy eggs left in there, but I have very little hope of rolling the dice and finding them. I just want to close this sad chapter of my life and stop putting myself through emotional trauma every single month. Yes, I am still devastated by the idea of not having a biological child. I would love to see a little girl that looks like my sisters or a little boy with my (boring, though adorable on him) brown eyes. But at this point I'm more devastated by my day-to-day reality. I just want a fucking baby at this point, I don't care where or how it gets to me.
It actually feels good to admit that I'm sick and tired of this. Part of my heart still breaks at the fact that I very probably will never have a healthy bean with my own genes. But a bigger part is already in pieces over the past 3 years of TTC and I just need to start doing whatever I can to repair that big chunk. Who would have ever thought that moving to donor eggs would seem like a relief by this point? Please save me from my own cruel eggs, oh nameless donor!
Oh, and in case you couldn't tell, my u/s sucked this morning. 2 follies, one at 11mm, one at 9.5mm. So barely any growth since Friday and one of the three follies on Friday dropped out. Please don't tell me there's still hope. I know technically there might be and I will go through the motions of completing this cycle. But for now "hope" is an ugly word to me.
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I was going to complain about a crazy co-worker of mine today too, but I'll save that for tomorrow.
Showing posts with label donor eggs. Show all posts
Showing posts with label donor eggs. Show all posts
Monday, December 07, 2009
Monday, October 12, 2009
RE appt
I had my STBY appt with Dr. B on Friday and it was a good one. I had actually phoned his nurse the day before to make sure they knew why I was coming in - can you imagine if I got there, having the last they saw of me being a happy 8-week pregnant patient being released to the OBGYN, and I had to explain what happened? No, thanks. So, I left a message, feeling kind of dorky explaining it on the voicemail, but it was good that I did. She called me right back, which is kind of unheard of at my clinic, and was so sweet. I happened to be in the supermarket, so had to have the conversation while standing in the produce aisle, appropriately enough (since I can't seem to RE-produce, get it? Ba dum bum). This nurse and I have a bit of a bond (at least in my mind) because when I was going through the boob scare, it was early in my pregnancy and I was trying to time the surgery for the safest time for the baby. She kindly shared with me that she had gone through the same thing a few years earlier and she knew how scary it was, but everything turned out fine. I appreciated hearing this anecdote and know that it's rare to get a personal glimpse like that into your healthcare worker's lives, so I have a particular fondness for this nurse. Anyhow, she was very sympathetic and sweet and said she'd pass on the info and advised me to have all my records faxed over from the OBGYN to Dr. B, which was a good call.
When I went in on Friday, I got the special post-mc treatment where everyone was a little more soft spoken with me, had me wait in a separate room so I didn't need to see the pg patients, etc. Very thoughtful. When Dr. B was ready for me, it took everything for me not to start crying on the spot. He was so very kind and genuinely sad for us. We sadly said that we thought maybe we'd never see each other again and were happy about it. He was impressed that I was able to be there so soon, but not in a judgmental it's-too-soon way, more in a "you're a strong cookie" way. I've thought about this alot over the weekend, about whether it's too soon to dive back in. And I've come to the conclusion that I'm not going to judge myself, either. You're ready when you're ready. With my last m/c, which was alot less traumatic since the pregnancy was iffy all along (low betas, u/s growth lagged behind), I took 4 months off afterwards. This time I'm ready after 5 weeks, go figure. I think it's mostly that I am so ready to put this chapter of my life behind me, whether successful or not; I just want it to be over.
In the geez-what-else-can-go-wrong category, Dr. B was irate on our behalf that the karyotype of Peanut was inconclusive. He said the mosaicism didn't indicate much of anything - as some of you smart commenters pointed out at my last post, that FISH isn't the greatest analytical tool. He said without good tissue, non-necrotized, they're guessing. He said that after he performs a D&E, he spends alot of time combing through the tissue, trying to find the best sample to send to the lab and that he's never had an inconclusive result, even with 6-week sample. He said with a 10-week sample, which is much larger, obviously, he's never even heard of not getting a good sample for a conclusive result. So, yay me, setting records everywhere I go.
Dr. B thinks there's still reason to believe that I could get a better response with my own eggs and that a few more IVFs are worthwhile, especially since we're fully covered by insurance (yay, Taxachusetts). I'm dubious both about the response and about whether I could produce any chromosomally normal eggs, but I trust him + I feel like I could go into donor eggs in the spring with a better mindset if I truly gave my all to a few last rounds of my own egg IVFs beforehand. He did, however, talk me out of PGD :(. Again, like the smart commenters, he doesn't believe that PGD is the cure-all for chromosomal issues, especially for a poor responder like me. His bottom line is that he wants to get me a healthy pregnancy, and feels like PGD actually jeopardizes that. Yes, we might be able to rule out chromosomal issues. But there's also a 10% chance of a false positive and with someone who will have a few embryos to choose from as me, he doesn't want to risk rejecting a perfectly healthy embryo. He definitely understood my desire not to go through another doomed pregnancy but made a persuasive argument for what is our ultimate goal of a sticky pregnancy. So, no PGD, which is disappointing to a Type A personality like me, but I'll roll with it.
He was ready to slap an estrogen patch on me on the spot and get going in our next cycle, heh. I actually had to put the brakes on a little because I want to get a saline sonogram before starting up to make sure my uterus looks good. It should be fine and clear after a D&E, but last time we thought the same thing and had a routine SS and there were 10 polyps and I needed a hysteroscopy (yes, I'm a disaster). I just want to make sure everything is good in there before starting - the last thing I need is a great looking embie that can't implant due to uterine issues.
We also discussed donor eggs, and while one of the things I like about Dr. B is that he is a very positive thinker and only likes to focus on the cycle at hand, instead of saying "We'll do 3 IVFs and then ship you off to the glue factory", I did tell him our plan of six more months of trying with my own eggs, then a boob check to make sure I didn't screw anything more up, and then DE. He thought it sounded like a good plan, but still insisted he thought we could have a successful IVF (God love ya, Dr. B). However, at my request, he did set up an informational session for us with the coordinator of DEs at our clinic. It's in their main office, so I'll set up a meeting with the woman next time I'm in that neck of the woods. I'd like to get some questions answered and get a feel for what my insurance will cover so that we're armed with that knowledge before the spring and not lose some months if we get to that point.
We did bloodwork on Friday, which showed my HCG is still positive at 18.5. We'll do it again later this week and once it's negative (<5), we can schedule the SS. I hope it works out because I've just finished up with my first post-m/c AF and need to get it in within the next 10 days or so, while my lining is still thin. Ah, the lovely stress of TTC timing, how I haven't missed you.
So, I'm afraid of the meds because of my boob issues and afraid of my own eggs, but here we go again...
When I went in on Friday, I got the special post-mc treatment where everyone was a little more soft spoken with me, had me wait in a separate room so I didn't need to see the pg patients, etc. Very thoughtful. When Dr. B was ready for me, it took everything for me not to start crying on the spot. He was so very kind and genuinely sad for us. We sadly said that we thought maybe we'd never see each other again and were happy about it. He was impressed that I was able to be there so soon, but not in a judgmental it's-too-soon way, more in a "you're a strong cookie" way. I've thought about this alot over the weekend, about whether it's too soon to dive back in. And I've come to the conclusion that I'm not going to judge myself, either. You're ready when you're ready. With my last m/c, which was alot less traumatic since the pregnancy was iffy all along (low betas, u/s growth lagged behind), I took 4 months off afterwards. This time I'm ready after 5 weeks, go figure. I think it's mostly that I am so ready to put this chapter of my life behind me, whether successful or not; I just want it to be over.
In the geez-what-else-can-go-wrong category, Dr. B was irate on our behalf that the karyotype of Peanut was inconclusive. He said the mosaicism didn't indicate much of anything - as some of you smart commenters pointed out at my last post, that FISH isn't the greatest analytical tool. He said without good tissue, non-necrotized, they're guessing. He said that after he performs a D&E, he spends alot of time combing through the tissue, trying to find the best sample to send to the lab and that he's never had an inconclusive result, even with 6-week sample. He said with a 10-week sample, which is much larger, obviously, he's never even heard of not getting a good sample for a conclusive result. So, yay me, setting records everywhere I go.
Dr. B thinks there's still reason to believe that I could get a better response with my own eggs and that a few more IVFs are worthwhile, especially since we're fully covered by insurance (yay, Taxachusetts). I'm dubious both about the response and about whether I could produce any chromosomally normal eggs, but I trust him + I feel like I could go into donor eggs in the spring with a better mindset if I truly gave my all to a few last rounds of my own egg IVFs beforehand. He did, however, talk me out of PGD :(. Again, like the smart commenters, he doesn't believe that PGD is the cure-all for chromosomal issues, especially for a poor responder like me. His bottom line is that he wants to get me a healthy pregnancy, and feels like PGD actually jeopardizes that. Yes, we might be able to rule out chromosomal issues. But there's also a 10% chance of a false positive and with someone who will have a few embryos to choose from as me, he doesn't want to risk rejecting a perfectly healthy embryo. He definitely understood my desire not to go through another doomed pregnancy but made a persuasive argument for what is our ultimate goal of a sticky pregnancy. So, no PGD, which is disappointing to a Type A personality like me, but I'll roll with it.
He was ready to slap an estrogen patch on me on the spot and get going in our next cycle, heh. I actually had to put the brakes on a little because I want to get a saline sonogram before starting up to make sure my uterus looks good. It should be fine and clear after a D&E, but last time we thought the same thing and had a routine SS and there were 10 polyps and I needed a hysteroscopy (yes, I'm a disaster). I just want to make sure everything is good in there before starting - the last thing I need is a great looking embie that can't implant due to uterine issues.
We also discussed donor eggs, and while one of the things I like about Dr. B is that he is a very positive thinker and only likes to focus on the cycle at hand, instead of saying "We'll do 3 IVFs and then ship you off to the glue factory", I did tell him our plan of six more months of trying with my own eggs, then a boob check to make sure I didn't screw anything more up, and then DE. He thought it sounded like a good plan, but still insisted he thought we could have a successful IVF (God love ya, Dr. B). However, at my request, he did set up an informational session for us with the coordinator of DEs at our clinic. It's in their main office, so I'll set up a meeting with the woman next time I'm in that neck of the woods. I'd like to get some questions answered and get a feel for what my insurance will cover so that we're armed with that knowledge before the spring and not lose some months if we get to that point.
We did bloodwork on Friday, which showed my HCG is still positive at 18.5. We'll do it again later this week and once it's negative (<5), we can schedule the SS. I hope it works out because I've just finished up with my first post-m/c AF and need to get it in within the next 10 days or so, while my lining is still thin. Ah, the lovely stress of TTC timing, how I haven't missed you.
So, I'm afraid of the meds because of my boob issues and afraid of my own eggs, but here we go again...
Monday, September 21, 2009
NoodleGirl's Choice
We had a nice weekend, beautiful weather up here in New England. I love these warm, waning-summer September days. On Saturday we went to a neighborhood block party and then to a benefit for a friend who got into a motorcyle accident without medical insurance.
The block party was predictably torturous for me, little tykes running around having fun, NoodleGuy and I trying to make conversation with perfectly nice people who talk about their kids 80% of the time. Luckily no one point blank asked me when we'd be having kids, but since they've been asking us that for the two years since we moved here, I think we may have officially entered the pity don't-ask-them-anymore phase, which is a relief. The benefit was fun, hopefully they earned a good chunk of change for our friend -- he needed to be Medi.vac'ed to the hospital and that alone cost $25k. Ouch. He's doing extremely well considering -- he had a broken pelvis, but was up and around at the party, quite remarkable as the accident was only 6 weeks ago.
Then on Sunday we went out for dim sum, which we love love love. There's a great spot about half an hour away from us, which we try to get to at least once a month. Plus, the closest Tra.der J.oe's is right near the restaurant, so we get to kill two birds with one stone. Then the rest of the day yesterday we just chilled out, watched the movie "The B.ank J.ob" (we're both big Ja.son Sta.tham fans) and went for a bike ride. A nice, normal weekend before the chillier weather sets in.
This morning, I spoke with a nurse at the surgery center handling my excisional breast biopsy on Thursday. We did the pre-interview, designed to speed through check in. Though Lord knows why we're trying to speed through since I have a 5 hour wait between the prep-procedure and the surgery itself, but whatevs. When we got to the question about "Any previous surgeries?", I had to say "OK, this is quite a list, are a ready?". Since they consider any procedure using anesthesia as a "surgery", here's my list:
Seven surgeries?? This has NOT been a great year and a half. Bah. And to think that I used to be terrified of surgery, thinking I was one of those people who would look asleep and sedated but actually be awake behind my closed eyelids and feeling every slice. Now surgery is a walk in the park, sadly. I'm like a little kid who will do anything for a treat because NoodleGuy always takes me out for some horrible-for-me, guilty pleasure food after a surgery. Taco Bell, here I come!
I cannot wait for Thursday's surgery to be over. Besides the fact that checking in and spending all day in a hospital only a week and a half after this latest D&E is kind of brutal, the surgery isn't until 3:45. And I can't eat past midnight the night before. Doesn't it seem like they shouldn't schedule surgeries so late in the day? It's mean. But obviously the hunger part is minimal. What I'm really nervous about what these cells are and how it'll impact my life and my continued fertility treatment. I'll find out in about a week after the surgery what the results are -- even if they're confident they removed all the cells and that it's just something to be watched but not a major concern, I'm still very nervous about continuing to pump hormones into my body. It's yet another pro in favor of donor eggs (see previous post for more pros). But I'm trying to take this one step at a time. Surgery first, then I'll obsess about the results phone call. After that I'll start obsessing about the STBY appts with both the breast surgeon and RE to grill them for their opinion on whether fertility meds will continue to be a safe option for me.
There were so many reasons we were grateful for the natural miracle of Peanut, not the least of which was that I'd be able to leave ART behind. I know every IF lady yearns for the day to never have to jump up on that u/s table again, or try to track down their nurses for results or have to schedule a vacation around TTC. But for me, it also would have meant I could have stopped taking these stims that may or may not be causing health problems for me. Now I'm back with my own version of Sophie's Choice -- do I stop trying to conceive a biological child or do I take a chance on my own health? Both choices kind of suck.
The block party was predictably torturous for me, little tykes running around having fun, NoodleGuy and I trying to make conversation with perfectly nice people who talk about their kids 80% of the time. Luckily no one point blank asked me when we'd be having kids, but since they've been asking us that for the two years since we moved here, I think we may have officially entered the pity don't-ask-them-anymore phase, which is a relief. The benefit was fun, hopefully they earned a good chunk of change for our friend -- he needed to be Medi.vac'ed to the hospital and that alone cost $25k. Ouch. He's doing extremely well considering -- he had a broken pelvis, but was up and around at the party, quite remarkable as the accident was only 6 weeks ago.
Then on Sunday we went out for dim sum, which we love love love. There's a great spot about half an hour away from us, which we try to get to at least once a month. Plus, the closest Tra.der J.oe's is right near the restaurant, so we get to kill two birds with one stone. Then the rest of the day yesterday we just chilled out, watched the movie "The B.ank J.ob" (we're both big Ja.son Sta.tham fans) and went for a bike ride. A nice, normal weekend before the chillier weather sets in.
This morning, I spoke with a nurse at the surgery center handling my excisional breast biopsy on Thursday. We did the pre-interview, designed to speed through check in. Though Lord knows why we're trying to speed through since I have a 5 hour wait between the prep-procedure and the surgery itself, but whatevs. When we got to the question about "Any previous surgeries?", I had to say "OK, this is quite a list, are a ready?". Since they consider any procedure using anesthesia as a "surgery", here's my list:
- January 2008 - Voluntary foot surgery
- February 2008 - Laprascopy (found Stage IV endo, a 5cm cyst on each ovary, lesions "all over the place")
- December 2008 - D&E (m/c #1)
- February 2009 - Hysteroscopy (10 polyps and an adhesion, caused by the D&E? Who knows?)
- June 2009 - egg retrieval (one freaking egg, but she was a good one! Became a HIP 8-cell, grade 1 embie, but no dice)
- September 2009 - D&E (m/c #2)
- September 2009 - Excisional breast biopsy to remove atypical cells. Which I'm convinced were caused by 5 straight months of fertility meds.
Seven surgeries?? This has NOT been a great year and a half. Bah. And to think that I used to be terrified of surgery, thinking I was one of those people who would look asleep and sedated but actually be awake behind my closed eyelids and feeling every slice. Now surgery is a walk in the park, sadly. I'm like a little kid who will do anything for a treat because NoodleGuy always takes me out for some horrible-for-me, guilty pleasure food after a surgery. Taco Bell, here I come!
I cannot wait for Thursday's surgery to be over. Besides the fact that checking in and spending all day in a hospital only a week and a half after this latest D&E is kind of brutal, the surgery isn't until 3:45. And I can't eat past midnight the night before. Doesn't it seem like they shouldn't schedule surgeries so late in the day? It's mean. But obviously the hunger part is minimal. What I'm really nervous about what these cells are and how it'll impact my life and my continued fertility treatment. I'll find out in about a week after the surgery what the results are -- even if they're confident they removed all the cells and that it's just something to be watched but not a major concern, I'm still very nervous about continuing to pump hormones into my body. It's yet another pro in favor of donor eggs (see previous post for more pros). But I'm trying to take this one step at a time. Surgery first, then I'll obsess about the results phone call. After that I'll start obsessing about the STBY appts with both the breast surgeon and RE to grill them for their opinion on whether fertility meds will continue to be a safe option for me.
There were so many reasons we were grateful for the natural miracle of Peanut, not the least of which was that I'd be able to leave ART behind. I know every IF lady yearns for the day to never have to jump up on that u/s table again, or try to track down their nurses for results or have to schedule a vacation around TTC. But for me, it also would have meant I could have stopped taking these stims that may or may not be causing health problems for me. Now I'm back with my own version of Sophie's Choice -- do I stop trying to conceive a biological child or do I take a chance on my own health? Both choices kind of suck.
Friday, September 18, 2009
Thoughts on DE
So, this is weird. Yesterday I was browsing books at the library to take with me to next week's boob's surgery and this thought popped into my head "I think I'm OK with donor eggs."
Huh? Where in the world did that come from? I wasn't thinking at all about babies, aside from the part of my brain that is 100% reserved for constant fertility vigilance. I had actually been feeling alot better yesterday, the best I've felt since the m/c. I don't think it's a leap to assume that my progesterone had dropped off a cliff in the few days after the D&E and that, plus obvious grief, had me as a pretty big mess. But yesterday I actually felt like getting up and leaving the house, buying some nice mums for the front stoop and "shopping" at the library. So why did that thought come out of nowhere?
I'm guessing it was precisely because I was feeling a bit better, that a subconscious part of me is ready to think about next steps. As I've mentioned before I have alot to weigh in the coming month regarding IF. We need to tissue analysis back on this latest loss, though I'd be willing to bet the farm that it's again chromosomal issues -- I'm sure of it. So there's the question of whether it's even worth proceeding with my eggs. Then, the great boob issue, what these cells removed will be and whether I'll be willing to continue pouring hormones into my body if they are potentially making me sick.
I told NoodleGuy about the donor egg thought and we had a great conversation. We actually both got very excited about the prospect of DE, instead of viewing it as a failure of everything else. The heavy pros are: hello, it might actually work! The chromosomal issues that have likely been leading to these devastating losses would have a much smaller chance of occurring with a nubile 21-year-old's eggs. Another big one is that we might actually be able to have multiple children. With my own eggs, I'm lucky if I can muster a single follie, even on IVF. If it ever did work, it would be a miracle and very, very likely never to occur again. With my own eggs, we're almost sure to have an only child. With DE, we could have a good chance of totsicles for an FET down the road, or even multiples the first time. Finally, with DE, I would not have to pump much in the way of hormones into myself and that could be critical if my boob issues are related to ART.
There are obvious drawbacks, the major two being my dealing with not having a biological child and then the cost. But I'm trying to ride the positive train for a few days.
This is something to seriously think about.
p.s. NoodleGuy also brought me flowers yesterday because he's such a sweetie. He timed it perfectly, that minx. I was feeling upbeat enough yesterday to actually appreciate them, whereas I would have probably ignored them in the days prior. That guy has a pretty good handle on me, I think. Hooray NGuy!
Huh? Where in the world did that come from? I wasn't thinking at all about babies, aside from the part of my brain that is 100% reserved for constant fertility vigilance. I had actually been feeling alot better yesterday, the best I've felt since the m/c. I don't think it's a leap to assume that my progesterone had dropped off a cliff in the few days after the D&E and that, plus obvious grief, had me as a pretty big mess. But yesterday I actually felt like getting up and leaving the house, buying some nice mums for the front stoop and "shopping" at the library. So why did that thought come out of nowhere?
I'm guessing it was precisely because I was feeling a bit better, that a subconscious part of me is ready to think about next steps. As I've mentioned before I have alot to weigh in the coming month regarding IF. We need to tissue analysis back on this latest loss, though I'd be willing to bet the farm that it's again chromosomal issues -- I'm sure of it. So there's the question of whether it's even worth proceeding with my eggs. Then, the great boob issue, what these cells removed will be and whether I'll be willing to continue pouring hormones into my body if they are potentially making me sick.
I told NoodleGuy about the donor egg thought and we had a great conversation. We actually both got very excited about the prospect of DE, instead of viewing it as a failure of everything else. The heavy pros are: hello, it might actually work! The chromosomal issues that have likely been leading to these devastating losses would have a much smaller chance of occurring with a nubile 21-year-old's eggs. Another big one is that we might actually be able to have multiple children. With my own eggs, I'm lucky if I can muster a single follie, even on IVF. If it ever did work, it would be a miracle and very, very likely never to occur again. With my own eggs, we're almost sure to have an only child. With DE, we could have a good chance of totsicles for an FET down the road, or even multiples the first time. Finally, with DE, I would not have to pump much in the way of hormones into myself and that could be critical if my boob issues are related to ART.
There are obvious drawbacks, the major two being my dealing with not having a biological child and then the cost. But I'm trying to ride the positive train for a few days.
This is something to seriously think about.
p.s. NoodleGuy also brought me flowers yesterday because he's such a sweetie. He timed it perfectly, that minx. I was feeling upbeat enough yesterday to actually appreciate them, whereas I would have probably ignored them in the days prior. That guy has a pretty good handle on me, I think. Hooray NGuy!
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Me today
I've erased the previous post as it wasn't sitting well with me. I had wanted to give a clinical rundown of the procedure on Friday, for those that might stumble on that post through Go.ogle and are going through their first (and hopefully only) D&E. However, it came out way too cavalier and flippant and did not convey AT ALL how I feel right now. It was like someone else wrote it and not a good way to honor Peanut. So, it's gone.
I'm swinging between total, abject grief and distracting myself for short periods of time. Yesterday I could not get out of bed until 11:30, crying and obsessing way too much. Then I discovered that reading and watching movies distracts me pretty well, so I spent the afternoon finishing a book and catching up the DVR. In the evening, I did a bang-up job of depressing not only myself but NoodleGuy too, so it's been lovely. Today has been pretty much the same, though I am going to try not to send us off to the the work week with a bad night tonight.
While I am somewhat in control, the grief over losing Peanut is almost too much to take, I truly, really feel like this might have been my last chance. My new OBGYN seemed surprised to hear me say that, but I have to face facts. I have no response to stims and they very possibly are the reason behind a precancerous condition in my breast. I feel like I would be insane to start taking them again. When I'm crying, it's over a combination of things. Obviously grief, but also fear over what are these cells in my breast and how I can possibly go on with fertility meds if they are potentially causing abnormal cell development in my body. The miscarriage is unfair enough, but I am so angry that I am forced to deal with this additional, and scary, complication.
I would be lying if I said I hadn't obsessed over what my options are going forward. I thought I'd be too grief-stricken to even think about it for weeks, but I am way too much of a planner by nature and have had alot of time on my hands this weekend to obsess. After the breast surgery in October, I feel like I have only 3 choices: 1) IVF with PGD, 2) trying naturally, 3) donor egg. The problem with IVF with PGD is that I would need to stim again, which I am terrified of now. Plus, I got one measly follie from 15 days of stimming last IVF, so the chances that any egg(s) would survive PGD are slim, but I don't know if I'm willing to take another chance on another chromosomally abnormal embryo. Trying naturally is a HUGE gamble and again, my eggs are clearly crap so chances are, it would have issues again. Donor egg is probably my best bet, but financially and emotionally draining. I had made peace with the idea of DE after my IVF BFN in June, then this surprise natural pregnancy has to set me back. I would need to come to terms all over again with the idea of never having a biological child and my brain can't accept a new task right now.
Of course, I cannot pursue any of this until after the surgery. A week after that I am supposed to hear from the doctor with report of the tissue they have removed and analyzed. That alone will determine much of the course of action regarding TTC. If it's bad news, I'll need to pursue treatment on that end, and TTC is seriously in the back seat. If it's good enough news, I can continue TTC but need to make decisions about what artificial products I'm willing to put into my body.
I wonder if I'll be able to handle work tomorrow. Luckily I work from home, so I can be as much of a basketcase as I want without people knowing. I could call in sick again, but since I'll be home alone, I actually prefer the distraction of work, it makes the day go by fast until NGuy is home. Little things to get through the days for now, I guess.
I'm swinging between total, abject grief and distracting myself for short periods of time. Yesterday I could not get out of bed until 11:30, crying and obsessing way too much. Then I discovered that reading and watching movies distracts me pretty well, so I spent the afternoon finishing a book and catching up the DVR. In the evening, I did a bang-up job of depressing not only myself but NoodleGuy too, so it's been lovely. Today has been pretty much the same, though I am going to try not to send us off to the the work week with a bad night tonight.
While I am somewhat in control, the grief over losing Peanut is almost too much to take, I truly, really feel like this might have been my last chance. My new OBGYN seemed surprised to hear me say that, but I have to face facts. I have no response to stims and they very possibly are the reason behind a precancerous condition in my breast. I feel like I would be insane to start taking them again. When I'm crying, it's over a combination of things. Obviously grief, but also fear over what are these cells in my breast and how I can possibly go on with fertility meds if they are potentially causing abnormal cell development in my body. The miscarriage is unfair enough, but I am so angry that I am forced to deal with this additional, and scary, complication.
I would be lying if I said I hadn't obsessed over what my options are going forward. I thought I'd be too grief-stricken to even think about it for weeks, but I am way too much of a planner by nature and have had alot of time on my hands this weekend to obsess. After the breast surgery in October, I feel like I have only 3 choices: 1) IVF with PGD, 2) trying naturally, 3) donor egg. The problem with IVF with PGD is that I would need to stim again, which I am terrified of now. Plus, I got one measly follie from 15 days of stimming last IVF, so the chances that any egg(s) would survive PGD are slim, but I don't know if I'm willing to take another chance on another chromosomally abnormal embryo. Trying naturally is a HUGE gamble and again, my eggs are clearly crap so chances are, it would have issues again. Donor egg is probably my best bet, but financially and emotionally draining. I had made peace with the idea of DE after my IVF BFN in June, then this surprise natural pregnancy has to set me back. I would need to come to terms all over again with the idea of never having a biological child and my brain can't accept a new task right now.
Of course, I cannot pursue any of this until after the surgery. A week after that I am supposed to hear from the doctor with report of the tissue they have removed and analyzed. That alone will determine much of the course of action regarding TTC. If it's bad news, I'll need to pursue treatment on that end, and TTC is seriously in the back seat. If it's good enough news, I can continue TTC but need to make decisions about what artificial products I'm willing to put into my body.
I wonder if I'll be able to handle work tomorrow. Luckily I work from home, so I can be as much of a basketcase as I want without people knowing. I could call in sick again, but since I'll be home alone, I actually prefer the distraction of work, it makes the day go by fast until NGuy is home. Little things to get through the days for now, I guess.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Over and out
Well, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but no one else seems to be updating this blog with the news (darned personal blog), so here it is: I'm out this cycle. Wenchy AF showed up in full force this morning, at 10dp3dt.
Of course I'm upset, but I think I did most of my mourning both on Sunday night (when I started spotting. I know lots of ladies spot when pg, but it's never a good sign for me) and mid-way through this cycle when I realized that I will never stim well. Any hopeful signs throughout the cycle were a pleasant surprise, though it has been an exhausting 4 weeks going up and down. The fact that I'm sort of OK today is mostly because this has been such an emotional cycle that I'm sort of beat down by now + as I mentioned at the beginning of the cycle, I've felt oddly detached through much of this cycle, almost like this is happening to someone else. I thought I'd be so excited to start my 1st IVF and I wasn't. It wasn't that I was dreading it, but I was like an outside observer. To some extent I think it's a defense mechanism that us IF ladies learn, but maybe it's also been too many stim cycles in a row. This will have been 5 cycles straight, so I might be numb to the thrill of the u/s wand at this point.
A cycle recap:
The good:
So, the next steps are that I'm still having my beta tomorrow -- at my local Quest clinic instead of driving 40 minutes to the RE's office. I figure I at least owe myself a little break on rush hour traffic. I won't get the results until Thursday now, since it's an external lab, but I'm in no rush to hear it since I know the drill. I also requested to have my DHEA tested and if it's off, I'll talk to my RE about taking DHEA supps. It's kind of frustrating to me that so many reports have shown positive results with DHEA and poor responders, yet almost every woman I know has had to be the initiator of the conversation with the RE, they're not embracing DHEA for some reason.
I'll be sitting July out because I'm going on vacation to the Caribbean in August, so priming in July and IVF in August wouldn't work. So, instead I'll do priming in August and IVF in Sept. I've got IVF#2 covered by insurance and after that one I'll have to see if they approve any more. My insurance covers 6 cycles max per live birth, but approves them in batches of two. I'm a little concerned that they'll stop approving if they find out what a poor responder I am, but I'm hoping that as long as the cycles aren't cancelled, that they don't necessarily know about the poor response. I'm also going to start the donor egg conversation with my RE next week. I'd like to try as many IVFs with my own eggs as insurance will cover, but I want to be realistic and at least get on the DE waiting list sooner rather than later.
Phew, and this was going to be a quick update...
Of course I'm upset, but I think I did most of my mourning both on Sunday night (when I started spotting. I know lots of ladies spot when pg, but it's never a good sign for me) and mid-way through this cycle when I realized that I will never stim well. Any hopeful signs throughout the cycle were a pleasant surprise, though it has been an exhausting 4 weeks going up and down. The fact that I'm sort of OK today is mostly because this has been such an emotional cycle that I'm sort of beat down by now + as I mentioned at the beginning of the cycle, I've felt oddly detached through much of this cycle, almost like this is happening to someone else. I thought I'd be so excited to start my 1st IVF and I wasn't. It wasn't that I was dreading it, but I was like an outside observer. To some extent I think it's a defense mechanism that us IF ladies learn, but maybe it's also been too many stim cycles in a row. This will have been 5 cycles straight, so I might be numb to the thrill of the u/s wand at this point.
A cycle recap:
The good:
- The one follie/egg looked to be a high quality one, making it to day 3 with high grades
- NG's swimmers were Casanovas as usual, whispering sweet nothings into egg's ear until she let down her guard
- I love my RE who is the only one I know of that would allow his patient to decide for themselves whether to cancel a single follie IVF or go ahead with it, clinic success rates be damned. And I'm so glad I went ahead, because while it was still the one mature egg, I did learn there were 2 more immature ones in there (maybe we can stim differently next time) and that the one egg was very good quality. It gives me hope for future poor response cycles.
- One stinking follie
- Embie did not stick. Just the odds or is there a crew of hostile forces in my uterus?
- Continuing to get AF early, despite progesterone support. I'm not overly concerned with this one as long as my LP is over 10 days, but still annoying.
So, the next steps are that I'm still having my beta tomorrow -- at my local Quest clinic instead of driving 40 minutes to the RE's office. I figure I at least owe myself a little break on rush hour traffic. I won't get the results until Thursday now, since it's an external lab, but I'm in no rush to hear it since I know the drill. I also requested to have my DHEA tested and if it's off, I'll talk to my RE about taking DHEA supps. It's kind of frustrating to me that so many reports have shown positive results with DHEA and poor responders, yet almost every woman I know has had to be the initiator of the conversation with the RE, they're not embracing DHEA for some reason.
I'll be sitting July out because I'm going on vacation to the Caribbean in August, so priming in July and IVF in August wouldn't work. So, instead I'll do priming in August and IVF in Sept. I've got IVF#2 covered by insurance and after that one I'll have to see if they approve any more. My insurance covers 6 cycles max per live birth, but approves them in batches of two. I'm a little concerned that they'll stop approving if they find out what a poor responder I am, but I'm hoping that as long as the cycles aren't cancelled, that they don't necessarily know about the poor response. I'm also going to start the donor egg conversation with my RE next week. I'd like to try as many IVFs with my own eggs as insurance will cover, but I want to be realistic and at least get on the DE waiting list sooner rather than later.
Phew, and this was going to be a quick update...
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Still truckin'
Wow, I'm really humbled by the earlier comments from other bloggers. Thank you so much, they meant alot to me - the blogsophere is so incredible. It's like these awesome little fireflies cheerleading you when you least expect it. I was in a pretty bleak place from Monday afternoon through last night, probably the darkest I've been in the whole TTC journey, with the exception the m/c last fall, but that was a different sort of grief. More sadness than a complete feeling of failure.
I do feel better today, though. NoodleGuy brought me those flowers to the left yesterday, he's such a sweetheart. But 1000 times better than that, he knocked my socks off by kissing my cheek and hugging me and telling me that he is committed to doing anything for our family. He told me over and over that I'm a superstar and the best wife ever and never to forget it. We discussed donor eggs and he had lots of great ideas of how we could pay for it. I loved him so much for clearly thinking alot about this yesterday and making sure I understand that though he's a frugal guy, that building our family doesn't fall under any budget. I can't tell you how much of a relief this was to me, to know that there DE is a light at the end of the tunnel. I was very afraid that we'd decide that IVF was it and it made this whole poor response thing all the more bleak.
So, knowing that this may not be our final chance at a bean, I'm trying to not give up on the IVFs yet. I still need to go in tomorrow and see if somehow another follie or two has popped up. Plus, I have one more IVF approved by insurance and I'll definitely do that one, unless my RE refuses (which he won't). I will mention to my RE the possibility of increasing my meds even more -- though I was already on Gonal-f 450 + Menopur 150, I have been told of other women who did Gonal-f 900 (450 in the a.m, 450 in the p.m.).
Plus, I'll be taking July and August off from the meds, as I am going on a cruise to the Caribbean with my family and not only would the timing be stressful around IVF, but if I'm not pg already, I want to enjoy the cruise and drink some margaritas. During that 2 month break, I will fully embrace acupuncture (NG and I decided it was worth the money to go a couple of times a week if it's our last ditch effort), investigate DHEA, start taking evening primrose oil (to stabilize my AMH) and let my body cleanse from the 5 straight months of injectables. I'm already taking Red Raspberry Tea Leaves, wheatgrass, Vitamin E, B6 as well as feasting on watermelon and pineapple, so I should be covered holistically at least. Then at least I could feel like the September IVF has the best shot I can give it.
Technically, my insurance covers 6 IVFs, but they approve them in batches of two. So possibly I could do more after #2, but I'd need to discuss with my RE if he thinks it's worthwhile and whether the insurance company would even approve any more if I prove to be a very poor responder with #2 also.
Anyway, the weeble has wobbled, but she hasn't fallen down yet.
p.s. if you happen to view the flowers picture blown up, there are some telling things in the background, not the least of which is what looks like a small rodent torture device against the wall to the back right. That's actually a cat tree that NG built, he likes to build them for the kitties to climb. It's a little bit hideous for the living room, but the cats like it so much, we don't have the heart to move it to the basement yet. One of the cats is snoozing in the right foreground of the pic, right behind my bottle of Red Raspberry Tea capsules. Cats and TTC = my life right now ;). Oh, and our TV is on the ground because our new LCD HDTV arrives this afternoon. Yay! Purchased right before we realized we might need to spend $15k on donor eggs! Oh well, at least we'll have a pretty TV to watch when we're too poor to leave the house ;).
I do feel better today, though. NoodleGuy brought me those flowers to the left yesterday, he's such a sweetheart. But 1000 times better than that, he knocked my socks off by kissing my cheek and hugging me and telling me that he is committed to doing anything for our family. He told me over and over that I'm a superstar and the best wife ever and never to forget it. We discussed donor eggs and he had lots of great ideas of how we could pay for it. I loved him so much for clearly thinking alot about this yesterday and making sure I understand that though he's a frugal guy, that building our family doesn't fall under any budget. I can't tell you how much of a relief this was to me, to know that there DE is a light at the end of the tunnel. I was very afraid that we'd decide that IVF was it and it made this whole poor response thing all the more bleak.So, knowing that this may not be our final chance at a bean, I'm trying to not give up on the IVFs yet. I still need to go in tomorrow and see if somehow another follie or two has popped up. Plus, I have one more IVF approved by insurance and I'll definitely do that one, unless my RE refuses (which he won't). I will mention to my RE the possibility of increasing my meds even more -- though I was already on Gonal-f 450 + Menopur 150, I have been told of other women who did Gonal-f 900 (450 in the a.m, 450 in the p.m.).
Plus, I'll be taking July and August off from the meds, as I am going on a cruise to the Caribbean with my family and not only would the timing be stressful around IVF, but if I'm not pg already, I want to enjoy the cruise and drink some margaritas. During that 2 month break, I will fully embrace acupuncture (NG and I decided it was worth the money to go a couple of times a week if it's our last ditch effort), investigate DHEA, start taking evening primrose oil (to stabilize my AMH) and let my body cleanse from the 5 straight months of injectables. I'm already taking Red Raspberry Tea Leaves, wheatgrass, Vitamin E, B6 as well as feasting on watermelon and pineapple, so I should be covered holistically at least. Then at least I could feel like the September IVF has the best shot I can give it.
Technically, my insurance covers 6 IVFs, but they approve them in batches of two. So possibly I could do more after #2, but I'd need to discuss with my RE if he thinks it's worthwhile and whether the insurance company would even approve any more if I prove to be a very poor responder with #2 also.
Anyway, the weeble has wobbled, but she hasn't fallen down yet.
p.s. if you happen to view the flowers picture blown up, there are some telling things in the background, not the least of which is what looks like a small rodent torture device against the wall to the back right. That's actually a cat tree that NG built, he likes to build them for the kitties to climb. It's a little bit hideous for the living room, but the cats like it so much, we don't have the heart to move it to the basement yet. One of the cats is snoozing in the right foreground of the pic, right behind my bottle of Red Raspberry Tea capsules. Cats and TTC = my life right now ;). Oh, and our TV is on the ground because our new LCD HDTV arrives this afternoon. Yay! Purchased right before we realized we might need to spend $15k on donor eggs! Oh well, at least we'll have a pretty TV to watch when we're too poor to leave the house ;).
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