How many times do I have to mourn the fact that I'm very, very likely not going to have a biological child? This post is not really a "poor me, I'm stimming badly yet again" one. Yea, that's not really ground-breaking news, unfortunately. It's more frustration that I accepted the idea of donor eggs several times already yet I keep getting pulled back on to the hope train only to be shoved off, into a ditch. It's so exhausting to keep accepting something that is so hard to accept in the first place and then having to keep doing it time and time again.
During stimming for IVF#1, when I saw how poorly I was responding, even with all the meds big guns, I finally accepted the fact - after 2 years, 4 IUIs, 1 miscarriage (at the time), 1 IVF with barely any response -- that it probably was not going to happen for me and started embracing the idea of donor eggs. You can read about how I accepted it and NoodleGuy was great about it here. Then after that cycle's BFN, I got pregnant naturally. While that short-lived pregnancy was thrilling, it was again another notch on my your-eggs-are-crap mantle (I think I mixed metaphors there, but you get my point). I went it to my STBY appointment with my RE after the D&E completely sure that I was going to tell him that I'm done with my eggs and ready to move on to DE. He convinced me that, since I had good insurance and it wouldn't cost much money, there was enough hope that I should try a few more IVF cycles with my own eggs. I'm terrified of my eggs, even if I do get pregnant, so it took some convincing but agreed - partially because we would want to use our tax refund in the spring to fund a big chunk of DE, so I figured I may as well fill my waiting time bathing myself in tsunami doses of gonadotropins.
Well, since then it's been one cancelled IVF due to misbehaving eggs and now this crap response again. I'm getting so beat down with constantly gearing myself up for hope and then getting smacked in the face. The sad fact: I have barely any eggs left and what is there seems to be total crap. Maybe, maybe there are one or two healthy eggs left in there, but I have very little hope of rolling the dice and finding them. I just want to close this sad chapter of my life and stop putting myself through emotional trauma every single month. Yes, I am still devastated by the idea of not having a biological child. I would love to see a little girl that looks like my sisters or a little boy with my (boring, though adorable on him) brown eyes. But at this point I'm more devastated by my day-to-day reality. I just want a fucking baby at this point, I don't care where or how it gets to me.
It actually feels good to admit that I'm sick and tired of this. Part of my heart still breaks at the fact that I very probably will never have a healthy bean with my own genes. But a bigger part is already in pieces over the past 3 years of TTC and I just need to start doing whatever I can to repair that big chunk. Who would have ever thought that moving to donor eggs would seem like a relief by this point? Please save me from my own cruel eggs, oh nameless donor!
Oh, and in case you couldn't tell, my u/s sucked this morning. 2 follies, one at 11mm, one at 9.5mm. So barely any growth since Friday and one of the three follies on Friday dropped out. Please don't tell me there's still hope. I know technically there might be and I will go through the motions of completing this cycle. But for now "hope" is an ugly word to me.
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I was going to complain about a crazy co-worker of mine today too, but I'll save that for tomorrow.
(((HUGS))) So sorry it's such a bummer of a day. I hope you can find some comfort in the fact that you are finding yourself open to DE. My thoughts and feelings echo yours as far as just wanting a baby. Without all the drama, trauma, and crap IF keeps throwing our way. Take good care of yourself!!
ReplyDeleteYeah. To me hope is the devil wearing prada. I REFUSE to let it in, yet it's so sneaky and illusive that it gets in anyway--kind of like cockroaches. I know where you are coming from. I'm glad you are open to using a donor. This whole process is so much more brutal than I thought it would be. Fertiles have no idea how easy they have it. Take care.
ReplyDeleteHave you talked to your RE about your frustrations and concerns? Maybe the two of you can come up with some sort of plan. I'm sorry your feeling down. It is hard to have hope and then be smacked down and have to go through it so many times. I'm thinking about you.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry. I really, really, really wish this cycle does a 180. Big hugs to you.
ReplyDeleteI wish you could feel like you have permission to say, "I want to cancel this cycle," so that you can maintain your sanity. This is just too cruel. No one should have to go through this. I like to think of hope as a 4-letter word.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for the nice comment on my blog!
Oh, that does suck :(. I'm sorry your one follie disappeared and the others are wimping out on you.
ReplyDeleteI still hope of course, that something miraculous happens this cycle, but maybe the reason you had to do one more cycle is to feel that confidence in making decision to use donor eggs?
There is nothing that will change our desire for a biological child, but I believe that parenthood will be beautiful no matter how we get there.
Oh shit, Lara, I'm really sorry to hear that. It's a horrible catch 22 -- it would be hard to move forward without hope, but it's the hope that makes each setback so bloody painful. I hope you and your DH get through this cycle and then move forward in a way that leaves you both at peace.
ReplyDeleteDamn it Lara, I'm really sorry that you keep getting jerked around on this stupid carousel. It's b-s that you have to deal with this.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry your u/s went shitty this morning. I just don't even know what to say. I think other posters have mentioned it, but setbacks hurt so much and you've had 100x/your fair share.
Sending much love your way. I wish I lived in Boston so that I could give you a big hug.
I think this is just such bullshit. I'm so sorry that you keep getting beaten in the head with this.
ReplyDeleteI hear you girl!!! I can only imagine the trauma of re-making a decision for donor eggs again and again. I hope you find the path that works for you quickly.
ReplyDeleteLara, I am so sorry! I wish there was something I could do to make this easier. I am thinking of you and will be hoping you hear much better news at your next u/s.
ReplyDeleteOh my... I'm so sorry :( Really.
ReplyDeleteIf this cycle doesn't work out, I hope you can find a donor that you just love.
I wish things were going better for you. IF is so ugly and hard. Thinking of you
Lara, I am so sorry that you have got to this point. It's heartbreaking:(
ReplyDeleteI have to tell you some good news about working with an egg donor: getting the updates about our egg donor was nerve wracking but mostly it was exciting and a big ass relief not to have to go through that myself knowing that the results would be abyssmal. I was still scared that she would not stimulate well and that any number of things would happen, but I never realized how good it would feel knowing that someone else was doing it for us and all I had to worry about was my Estrogen and my uterine lining. That's plenty to worry about. It did feel very very freeing though. And took the emphasis off my failure to produce eggs and showed me that I could still produce a good lining which was all that was needed.
I don't think it really matters how many tries your insurance will pay for - the price on you emotionally is way to high. I don't know, I am a bit mad with your doc for letting this go on so long and it being so devastating for you. I sometimes think IF treatment is like an abusive relationship. I know it's bad for me but I keep trying the next thing, because of that thing called hope that appears like a mirage in the desert but always disappears when I get near it and I fall flat on my face in the dry sand.
I for one embrace your very difficult choice to choose donor eggs. The whole picking process is a little surreal, but you will get through it, I promise. There is something kind of fun and exciting about picking the donor of the egg that will become your child. If you need any support or suggestions or advice, please e-mail me and I will be there for you as always.
Big hugs!
T-Gal:)
I absolutely understand where you are in the process - you know you've given it everything, you're tired of wasting your time and money on nothing, and you just want the baby regardless of where the egg comes from. I have been standing on that precipice many times, and although I never actually leapt off I could see how it really wasn't much of a fall. In fact, it was more like I could suddenly see that maybe from that point everything would really be less of an uphill struggle...
ReplyDeleteOkay, enough about topography. Yeah, OF COURSE I hope your two follicles pull it off - most people only need one per month, so there's a chance. But if not, it's good to know that you're at the point where you can move forward with donor eggs. It seems like an absolutely fantastic option and I'm just glad the technology exists to make that choice possible. Still, first things first - good luck with this cycle!
You have been on this emotional roller coaster for so long, and I can totally understand how it would be a relief to jump off and land in the smooth ferris wheel with donor eggs. Ultimately, it would be your beautiful baby, and that is what will be the most important thing - your beautiful baby, no matter whose genetic material it is.
ReplyDelete