Me today

I've erased the previous post as it wasn't sitting well with me. I had wanted to give a clinical rundown of the procedure on Friday, for those that might stumble on that post through Go.ogle and are going through their first (and hopefully only) D&E. However, it came out way too cavalier and flippant and did not convey AT ALL how I feel right now. It was like someone else wrote it and not a good way to honor Peanut. So, it's gone.

I'm swinging between total, abject grief and distracting myself for short periods of time. Yesterday I could not get out of bed until 11:30, crying and obsessing way too much. Then I discovered that reading and watching movies distracts me pretty well, so I spent the afternoon finishing a book and catching up the DVR. In the evening, I did a bang-up job of depressing not only myself but NoodleGuy too, so it's been lovely. Today has been pretty much the same, though I am going to try not to send us off to the the work week with a bad night tonight.

While I am somewhat in control, the grief over losing Peanut is almost too much to take, I truly, really feel like this might have been my last chance. My new OBGYN seemed surprised to hear me say that, but I have to face facts. I have no response to stims and they very possibly are the reason behind a precancerous condition in my breast. I feel like I would be insane to start taking them again. When I'm crying, it's over a combination of things. Obviously grief, but also fear over what are these cells in my breast and how I can possibly go on with fertility meds if they are potentially causing abnormal cell development in my body. The miscarriage is unfair enough, but I am so angry that I am forced to deal with this additional, and scary, complication.

I would be lying if I said I hadn't obsessed over what my options are going forward. I thought I'd be too grief-stricken to even think about it for weeks, but I am way too much of a planner by nature and have had alot of time on my hands this weekend to obsess. After the breast surgery in October, I feel like I have only 3 choices: 1) IVF with PGD, 2) trying naturally, 3) donor egg. The problem with IVF with PGD is that I would need to stim again, which I am terrified of now. Plus, I got one measly follie from 15 days of stimming last IVF, so the chances that any egg(s) would survive PGD are slim, but I don't know if I'm willing to take another chance on another chromosomally abnormal embryo. Trying naturally is a HUGE gamble and again, my eggs are clearly crap so chances are, it would have issues again. Donor egg is probably my best bet, but financially and emotionally draining. I had made peace with the idea of DE after my IVF BFN in June, then this surprise natural pregnancy has to set me back. I would need to come to terms all over again with the idea of never having a biological child and my brain can't accept a new task right now.

Of course, I cannot pursue any of this until after the surgery. A week after that I am supposed to hear from the doctor with report of the tissue they have removed and analyzed. That alone will determine much of the course of action regarding TTC. If it's bad news, I'll need to pursue treatment on that end, and TTC is seriously in the back seat. If it's good enough news, I can continue TTC but need to make decisions about what artificial products I'm willing to put into my body.

I wonder if I'll be able to handle work tomorrow. Luckily I work from home, so I can be as much of a basketcase as I want without people knowing. I could call in sick again, but since I'll be home alone, I actually prefer the distraction of work, it makes the day go by fast until NGuy is home. Little things to get through the days for now, I guess.