Over and out

Well, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but no one else seems to be updating this blog with the news (darned personal blog), so here it is: I'm out this cycle. Wenchy AF showed up in full force this morning, at 10dp3dt.

Of course I'm upset, but I think I did most of my mourning both on Sunday night (when I started spotting. I know lots of ladies spot when pg, but it's never a good sign for me) and mid-way through this cycle when I realized that I will never stim well. Any hopeful signs throughout the cycle were a pleasant surprise, though it has been an exhausting 4 weeks going up and down. The fact that I'm sort of OK today is mostly because this has been such an emotional cycle that I'm sort of beat down by now + as I mentioned at the beginning of the cycle, I've felt oddly detached through much of this cycle, almost like this is happening to someone else. I thought I'd be so excited to start my 1st IVF and I wasn't. It wasn't that I was dreading it, but I was like an outside observer. To some extent I think it's a defense mechanism that us IF ladies learn, but maybe it's also been too many stim cycles in a row. This will have been 5 cycles straight, so I might be numb to the thrill of the u/s wand at this point.

A cycle recap:

The good:

• The one follie/egg looked to be a high quality one, making it to day 3 with high grades
• NG's swimmers were Casanovas as usual, whispering sweet nothings into egg's ear until she let down her guard
• I love my RE who is the only one I know of that would allow his patient to decide for themselves whether to cancel a single follie IVF or go ahead with it, clinic success rates be damned. And I'm so glad I went ahead, because while it was still the one mature egg, I did learn there were 2 more immature ones in there (maybe we can stim differently next time) and that the one egg was very good quality. It gives me hope for future poor response cycles.
  
  

The bad:

• One stinking follie
• Embie did not stick. Just the odds or is there a crew of hostile forces in my uterus?
• Continuing to get AF early, despite progesterone support. I'm not overly concerned with this one as long as my LP is over 10 days, but still annoying.

So, the next steps are that I'm still having my beta tomorrow -- at my local Quest clinic instead of driving 40 minutes to the RE's office. I figure I at least owe myself a little break on rush hour traffic. I won't get the results until Thursday now, since it's an external lab, but I'm in no rush to hear it since I know the drill. I also requested to have my DHEA tested and if it's off, I'll talk to my RE about taking DHEA supps. It's kind of frustrating to me that so many reports have shown positive results with DHEA and poor responders, yet almost every woman I know has had to be the initiator of the conversation with the RE, they're not embracing DHEA for some reason.

I'll be sitting July out because I'm going on vacation to the Caribbean in August, so priming in July and IVF in August wouldn't work. So, instead I'll do priming in August and IVF in Sept. I've got IVF#2 covered by insurance and after that one I'll have to see if they approve any more. My insurance covers 6 cycles max per live birth, but approves them in batches of two. I'm a little concerned that they'll stop approving if they find out what a poor responder I am, but I'm hoping that as long as the cycles aren't cancelled, that they don't necessarily know about the poor response. I'm also going to start the donor egg conversation with my RE next week. I'd like to try as many IVFs with my own eggs as insurance will cover, but I want to be realistic and at least get on the DE waiting list sooner rather than later.

Phew, and this was going to be a quick update...

Still truckin'

Wow, I'm really humbled by the earlier comments from other bloggers. Thank you so much, they meant alot to me - the blogsophere is so incredible. It's like these awesome little fireflies cheerleading you when you least expect it. I was in a pretty bleak place from Monday afternoon through last night, probably the darkest I've been in the whole TTC journey, with the exception the m/c last fall, but that was a different sort of grief. More sadness than a complete feeling of failure.

I do feel better today, though. NoodleGuy brought me those flowers to the left yesterday, he's such a sweetheart. But 1000 times better than that, he knocked my socks off by kissing my cheek and hugging me and telling me that he is committed to doing anything for our family. He told me over and over that I'm a superstar and the best wife ever and never to forget it. We discussed donor eggs and he had lots of great ideas of how we could pay for it. I loved him so much for clearly thinking alot about this yesterday and making sure I understand that though he's a frugal guy, that building our family doesn't fall under any budget. I can't tell you how much of a relief this was to me, to know that there DE is a light at the end of the tunnel. I was very afraid that we'd decide that IVF was it and it made this whole poor response thing all the more bleak.

So, knowing that this may not be our final chance at a bean, I'm trying to not give up on the IVFs yet. I still need to go in tomorrow and see if somehow another follie or two has popped up. Plus, I have one more IVF approved by insurance and I'll definitely do that one, unless my RE refuses (which he won't). I will mention to my RE the possibility of increasing my meds even more -- though I was already on Gonal-f 450 + Menopur 150, I have been told of other women who did Gonal-f 900 (450 in the a.m, 450 in the p.m.).

Plus, I'll be taking July and August off from the meds, as I am going on a cruise to the Caribbean with my family and not only would the timing be stressful around IVF, but if I'm not pg already, I want to enjoy the cruise and drink some margaritas. During that 2 month break, I will fully embrace acupuncture (NG and I decided it was worth the money to go a couple of times a week if it's our last ditch effort), investigate DHEA, start taking evening primrose oil (to stabilize my AMH) and let my body cleanse from the 5 straight months of injectables. I'm already taking Red Raspberry Tea Leaves, wheatgrass, Vitamin E, B6 as well as feasting on watermelon and pineapple, so I should be covered holistically at least. Then at least I could feel like the September IVF has the best shot I can give it.

Technically, my insurance covers 6 IVFs, but they approve them in batches of two. So possibly I could do more after #2, but I'd need to discuss with my RE if he thinks it's worthwhile and whether the insurance company would even approve any more if I prove to be a very poor responder with #2 also.

Anyway, the weeble has wobbled, but she hasn't fallen down yet.

p.s. if you happen to view the flowers picture blown up, there are some telling things in the background, not the least of which is what looks like a small rodent torture device against the wall to the back right. That's actually a cat tree that NG built, he likes to build them for the kitties to climb. It's a little bit hideous for the living room, but the cats like it so much, we don't have the heart to move it to the basement yet. One of the cats is snoozing in the right foreground of the pic, right behind my bottle of Red Raspberry Tea capsules. Cats and TTC = my life right now ;). Oh, and our TV is on the ground because our new LCD HDTV arrives this afternoon. Yay! Purchased right before we realized we might need to spend $15k on donor eggs! Oh well, at least we'll have a pretty TV to watch when we're too poor to leave the house ;).

Title: Follie check #2, Subtitle: Devastation

The gory details:

• E2 level: A crappy 137
  
• Nubile Rightie: one 13mm follie, possible one more <12mm
• Ol' Leftie: "hard to visualize". Jerky ovary.
  

Reaction?

• Completely pathetic, especially with these estrogen patches I've been wearing.
  
• Well, the "2 to 4" line from the first follie check is clearly not on the higher end of the scale.
  
• I had a better tech this time, she found the left ovary, but it's just too small and in a spot that is tough to get good pix. Suffice it to say that the E2 levels show that there's not much going on here.

Next check: Thursday a.m., continue stimming (gonal-f 450 + menopur 150) through then. Adding ganirelix into the mix on Tuesday night, as my LH is beginning to elevate and that 13mm follie should be approaching release soon.

Recap: I'm completely crushed. Like, totally and utterly. I really, really, stupidly had gotten my hopes up for at least 4 follies. Is that so much to ask? I routinely read about women years older than me who get 20+ follies. I just want enough at this point (3) so that my RE does not cancel the IVF. However, I have ZERO hope that things will look better on Thursday. I'm expecting to be cancelled and converted to IUI. It's really beginning to sink in now that I may never have my own biological child. This has been one shitty day.