Giant sigh of relief

I won't hold you in suspense: Baby A is fine. Thank God, thank God, thank God.

Before the details, I just have to say that you guys are really the best. It meant so much to me to get your support and prayers for Baby A. I think I may have gone crazy without those virtual hugs throughout the day yesterday. Every time I started getting really worried and antsy and pointless googling "heavy bleeding during pregnancy" only to find horror stories, I'd get a ping in my in-box and there would be some kind words and a reminder to try to stay calm until we could see what was happening today.

And, by the way, NoodleGuy came home shortly after I posted and felt awful that he wasn't here when I got home. But it's not as if I can keep him glued to my side for the entire 9 months, and I'm so proud of him for training to run the Boston Marathon, so it was just dumb bad luck that this happened during his one weekly super-long run.

So, back to business, Baby A looked great. I cannot tell you how relieved NoodleGuy and I are, those 1-2 minutes between when I explained to the u/s tech what had happened and when she first inserted the wand were torture. Having experienced two losses in the past, ones that were diagnosed by the lack of h/b on an ultrasound, I feel like I'm a master at reading tech's faces for bad news, so I didn't even want to look at her, I just stared at the ceiling. But she was awesome and immediately told us that she saw Baby A and that the h/b looked very strong. That was the thing NG and I were focusing upon the hardest, and we didn't even realize how hard we were gripping each other's hands until she said that and we relaxed a little.

Here's the strange stuff: Baby B's sac and contents were still there. Sadly, but not surprisingly, his little heartbeat had stopped but we were prepared for that since he's always looked too weak, we never dared to ever really hope for him. But...the sac was totally intact. So, the bleeding and passed tissue wasn't caused by that. Additionally, there was no evidence of a subchorionic hematoma nor placenta previa. So, this was just an unknown, very scary episode. Lovely, more "unexplained" fertility issues.

We met with the physician's assistant this morning as my RE wasn't getting in until later, and they wanted to see me asap. But I do have a regularly scheduled appointment with beloved Dr. B on Friday, so I'll grill him for more ideas on the bleeding then. Here are my theories:

• Theory #1: it was a subchorionic hematoma but it was so violent and complete that it left no evidence (don't know if this is possible).
• Theory #2: maybe a 3rd embie actually implanted, I had transferred 4. Possibly it was so tiny and disguised by the other 2 sacs, that they never saw it, and that's what I lost? I don't know if this one is possible either, the ultrasounds seem pretty complete, hard to miss something like that.
• Theory #3: maybe Baby B's sac has ruptured slightly and started emptying? Though the amount of blood that came out, it would be totally deflated by now, so this is not really a good theory.
  

I wanted to give a few more details in case this ever happens to anyone who reads this blog or stumbles upon it. TMI alert for the squeamish... There was no warning whatsoever that this episode would happen. I had no spotting, no cramping that morning. I had run a few more errands before I got to the supermarket, no problems. I walked into the supermarket, got my cart, headed over to the bananas, no problems. And then suddenly, just as I was thinking how disappointingly green all of the bananas were, a huge gush of blood, enough to soak a pad on its own. I took one step, and a second gush, again enough to soak a pad and it was running down my legs. As my heart was pounding, I was actually thinking that it was good that it wasn't summertime with me wearing khaki-colored shorts because I hate being the center of attention. I don't think I would have made it out of there without some woman or child shrieking at the horror show that was occurring, so thankfully I was wrapped in dark grey sweatpants and a knee-length, black down jacket.

Anyway, I had at least 2-3 more gushes as I left the store and on the way home, so I would have soaked through 4-5 pads in 15 minutes. So, ALOT of blood. Then the lovely passing of the tissue once I got home. And after that? Nothing. No cramping, barely any spotting even. It was just a sudden, violent, short episode.

So, the plan is for me to take it easy this week and call immediately if any bleeding, beyond spotting, occurs again. I'll skip the gym for a while and just relax as much as possible. Even though Baby A looked great, it'll take a few more ultrasounds for me to really relax, I think. But getting to see u/s pictures where he/she shows good progression from the last one is probably the best way to relax. You'll see Baby B's sac next to Baby A :( -- even though it's cut off, you can't see any contents in that sac, so clearly the contents are pretty small, enough to only be offscreen.


We immediately thought the baby's "profile" (though those aren't truly eyes, nose, etc that you can see) looked like the statues at Easter Island:


So, to recap: clearly sad that Baby B is officially gone. But we knew that would happen, from the time we found out there were two sacs, we were warned that Baby B was far behind and last week's bradycardia pretty much clinched it. And if we had to lose him/her, it's almost a relief for it to be this early so that now we can focus exclusively on happy vibes to Baby A. Plus, losing a twin becomes more dangerous as the pregnancy progresses, so it's better now than later. Therefore, very happy and relieved today since we were fearing we had lost both babies yesterday.

Again, thank you so much for your support during this very scary 24 hours, I love my online buddies!