Dr. Beloved (OBGYN) just called me again out of the blue. The lab that had done Peanut's karyotype called her today with a little more info on the FISH report. She said it's still listed as "inconclusive" but she's almost positive now that Peanut's loss was due to chromosomal issue. The issue was on Chromosome 21 which is the one that is the marker for Down's Syndrome. While Down's itself would not be incompatible with life, there was something called "mosaicism" -- where some cells had Trisomy 21 (Down's) and some did not. While a baby can be born with mosaicism, it can also lead to pregnancy loss. Dr. Beloved feels confident that this was the cause of my loss.
While there is some comfort in knowing that it's probably nothing I did to cause this loss, there is NO comfort is knowing that my eggs are such crap. I know this issue could come from the male, but believe me, I know it's me. And the depressing thing here is that I can't even do a chromosomal abnormality properly -- I screw that up too to be even more fubar than a simple trisomy.
I do not know what NoodleGuy and I would have done if we had found out from the CVS test (which was supposed to be a week after I found out there was no heartbeat) that the baby had Down's. We had briefly discussed options and it was too painful to discuss, so we shelved it until if and when we'd need to deal with it.
Now I'm 10000% sure that I will not do IVF again unless my insurance will approve PGD. I'm not going through another pregnancy only to find out that my eggs caused another baby with no chance.
Also, when I asked, she told me that Peanut's gender was male. We were so sure it was a girl all along. So much for our psychic abilities. Hearing this detail made me so sad all over again -- Dr. Beloved asked me if I was sure I wanted to know and I said yes. And I'm glad I know, I never knew with loss #1, but it makes it much more real.
Combine this with talking to my RE's nurse this morning and getting a whole new round of sympathy and cue me up for some waterworks tomorrow. I thought I had compartmentalized the weeping, but apparently not.
Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry :(. I know it's better to know - but I'm sure it doesn't make it easier.
ReplyDeleteGood luck at your appointment tomorrow. I can't blame you for the waterworks - sympathy will break me down faster than anything.
Thinking of you...
I'm so sorry that you have to relive your loss. I don't know why, but I think I would feel some kind of peace knowing that my baby died for a reason, and was not chromosomally normal, as so many miscarried babies are. I'm sure it doesn't make the pain any less but I feel like it would bring a stillness to it. I remember being so upset that my ectopic was probably a healthy baby that just didn't make it where it needed to be. It broke me up inside.
ReplyDeleteAnd finding out it was a boy. Oh, I cry for you. How sad to know you had to say goodbye to a son. I hope so much that you have the baby you're meant to have and all this can mean something besides loss someday. My thoughts are with you.
I'm glad you got more news, even if it wasn't what you were hoping to hear. Thinking of you. Lots.
ReplyDeleteMo
L ~
ReplyDeleteI'm not really sure what I can say. I can't imagine how difficult that conversation must have been. I'm still so very sorry for the loss of your little boy and the injustice of this just is mind-boggling.
I wish I was there to give you a big, huge real-life hug.
You let those waterworks flow. I sobbed (belly-sobbing) for months after my m/c's. I even had dreams about the baby. There's no easy recovery from these things. Just a comment about PGD. My understanding is that they can test for certain chromosomal anomalies, but there are so many more things that can happen that PGD cannot detect. Genes on chromosomes that haven't been identified. Defects they can't detect. I just don't want you to hang your hopes on PGD, because it's not fail-safe.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you found out about Peanut too. I miscarried spontaneously both times, so I never knew anything about my lost babes.
Hugs and love.
I am so sorry. This is a difficult time, and hearing that news opened up some scabs. The news of potential downs must have raised a lot of emotions too. At least you received the news, which may help with some sense of closure. Sending hugs.
ReplyDeleteLara - I can't believe it's been 4 weeks either. I'm thinking of you today.
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Lots of hugs to you in these difficult times. I love the new look of your blog and have a little surprise waiting for you at my blog :-)
ReplyDeleteWhile getting these details provides us good information, it brings the loss closer to home again. So sorry.
ReplyDeleteAs for PGD, we considered it, but it was not recommended to us because it does not improve pregnancy rates for our age group (40 and over). Also know that FISH is not entirely reliable. If you decide to do genetic testing, I hope you can go to a clinic that uses CGH which tests all 23 chromosomes (and doesn't use FISH). The pregnancy rate is very high on CGH normal embryos. I've been able to find papers on all of the above on the internet.
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ReplyDeleteOur baby had Trisomy 8 "mosacism" sounds aweful I know. I hope to find out one day if it was a boy or girl but I wasnt ready last year when it happened. Im thinking of you as this is such a difficult period of mourning.
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