I don't know why I'm doing this to myself, but let me tell you that it's pretty much par for the course. I've been feeling a little bit better, a little bit less sad about Peanut in the last day or so and now I'm feeling guilty about it. It doesn't seem fair to Peanut for me to be planning the next steps so soon.
This is the only thing about me that really makes NoodleGuy frustrated; one of the things he loves best about me is that things will rarely get me down and if I've momentarily stumbled, I'll figure out a way to move forward. But it doesn't seem right to be planning so soon after finding out Peanut was gone. I spent a good portion of the day yesterday making doctor's appointments, to find out what happened this time and to discuss next steps; this makes me feel more in control. But then last night I told NGuy that I felt bad about doing so, that maybe I should still be lying in bed weeping. He wanted to tear out his hair when I said that, it's such a guy vs girl reaction. Why would I question how I feel? I feel how I feel. Why am I making it into a negative thing that I'm feeling a little bit better, that I have a little more hope? So, I'm trying not to question how I feel and just go with it.
But, Peanut, let me tell you: I'm not moving on from you. This is how I deal with problems. Your mom is a planner and an info gatherer, I would have been a kick-ass birthday party hostess. This is just how I heal. It's not about not thinking about you constantly, picturing you next April, being born just as New England started showing the first shades of spring. Daddy and I were sure you were a little girl and I had you pictured in adorable yellow sundresses with those fluffy matching bloomers, though, in reality, it would have been too cold in Boston for you to wear something like that until June or so.
Strangely, now that you're gone, I feel like you were a little boy. We were going to find out at the CVS, which had been scheduled for tomorrow. We would have known by next week if our first or last instinct about your gender was correct. Sadly, we would have also found out that you more than likely had chromosomal issues that were incompatible with life. I am able to be thankful for small things at this point, and I am happy that, if you had to leave us, that you were able just go to sleep quietly inside of me instead of your Daddy and I having to say goodbye before your body was ready.
Even if I'm standing up today, I'm thinking of you all the time. We love you, Peanut. Always.
Dearest NoodleGirl - your letter to Peanut is beautiful. And Peanut knows all of this without you even having to put it out there. Peanut felt your love and continutes to feel your love. Moving on is our best way of coping and I think you are doing a fine job. Try not to feel guilty, just feel.
ReplyDeletePlease don't feel guilty. And then, in a few months, when you are overwhelmed with grief at some point, don't be surprised or worried. You're coping the best way you know how and there is no right way to do it.
ReplyDeleteOh what a post, your love for Peanut and your struggle with grief is so well expressed it brought tears to my eyes.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad your coping mechanism is kicking in and helping you look to the future. I'm sure Peanut understands.
I hear you. I woke up this morning and told my husband that I felt better and less sad today. But, I've spent half the day crying about my missing baby. The other half was spent researching, making lists of questions, and positive steps I can take, and making doctor's appointments. It is good to be hopeful. Our babies would want that for us.
ReplyDeleteI loved the part of your post where you wrote a message to Peanut. I need to sit down with my husband soon and memorialize our Baby too. I hardly had the opportunity to know him, but I loved him so much.
What a beautiful post. I'm sure you'll have up-days and down-days, and you shouldn't feel guilty about that.
ReplyDeletePlanning the next steps is part of the healing process, and I'm sure little Peanut understands...