Big Day #1

So, this morning at 11am I have my follow-up appt with my OBGYN. It's exactly two weeks since I found out that Peanut had no heartbeat at 10 weeks (or stopped at 9w5d to be exact). It was so awful mostly because of the shock. After fabulous betas and two great ultrasounds at 6 and 8 weeks, I actually let myself feel good. I had been spotting pretty badly from weeks 4-7.5 and was nervous for the 8-week ultrasound, but after Peanut measured right on target, had a heartrate of 159bpm and the NP gave me an A+, I actually really started to believe that the pregnancy was real. And then, boom. No heartbeat at 10 weeks. Seemingly out of nowhere.

Today I find out the results of the tissue analysis after the D&E. I suppose they'll also do a quick gyn exam to make sure everything's healing as it should but I don't really care about that. I seem to be frustratingly healthy as far as healing, ovulating and all that. I just can't conceive a chromosomally normal baby. I'm 99.9% sure the results here will be chromosomal abnormality again, so the question will be where we go from here. It'll be 3 strikes against us chromosomally, if it is. The first miscarriage (balanced translocation at chromosome 18), a failed IVF in June (which was after a perfect 8-cell, grade 1 embryo was transferred and my RE says that 90% of the time when perfect embryos don't implant, it's due to chromosomal issues) and then this one.

So, I'll gather my info today, try not to cry in the waiting room with the insanely huge pregnant women. I need to try to turn my brain off from too much analyzing or negative thought today if the results are what I think they'll be because I need to try to go into surgery tomorrow (Big Day #2) with some sort of positive energy.

I'm trying, at least.